Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

"Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass."

Clarence Darrow

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

"I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one."

"I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a hell of a lot more if I had been understood."

Winston Churchill

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."

Winston Churchill, in response.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Mae West

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution"

"She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong."

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